Clanging Cymbal

So for the last couple of weeks I’ve doing shift work. Between working nights and overnights the mental exhaustion alone gets you to the point that knowing which way is up or down is a near impossible task. Add in the physical side along with the heat and a throw in a tropical storm for good measure, and as I am driving into work right now I’m not 100% sure what day it is. It’s in moments like this, when I can’t see straight, that I see myself the clearest. And maybe it’s not that I normal can’t see myself, it’s more of a fear of being honest with myself. As I sit here and think, for as long as I can remember I have lived my life and gauged myself based on my faith. No matter what I faced, good or bad, the way I saw it everything that happened and everything I did was through the grace of God and for His glory. And maybe that sounds cheesy or even cliché but that’s honestly how I felt and how I looked at life. Truth is living that way made the good times sweeter and the bad times bearable. Now I’m not sure exactly when it started, but absolutely over the last couple of years, in the same way a house, no matter how beautiful and strong, if not maintained will simply wear away and fall apart, my spirituality has started to crumble. And today I finally saw how living without that safety net is crushing me. I’m losing the ability to stay positive on a daily basis. Whether it’s work stress (or unhappiness), the physical pains associated with getting older (and coming to grips with that) and probably about 1 million other things that I can’t think of, my demeanor is changing. The worst part is, is that I didn’t even see it happening. That’s not who I am…well I guess that’s not who I was, but unfortunately, I guess it is who I am but it’s not who I want to be. Just to be clear, my faith is strong. My faith is absolute and unwavering. Like the land that the house was built on it’s not going anywhere and that is my foundation. I love to talk about and share my faith, and I find refuge in prayer and reading scripture. But like it says in James 2:17 it says something along lines of how faith without deeds is dead. And I almost feel like that’s what happened (happening)to me. In first Corinthians chapter 13 verses 1 through 3, before the “love is” passage it talks about how if you do great acts of faith without love it’s pointless. How you can speak in tongues of men or angles, but if there’s no love it’s no more than the sound of a clanging cymbal. Well on a spiritual level I’ve become the dilapidated ruins of who I was…I am the clanging cymbal. I’m better than this. God made me better than this. I hope and pray that this letter, like ripping that first handful of weeds from the garden is the beginning of my way back. I think it’s time for a ministry. As always know that I’ll be praying for you, and remember to live the Faith. God bless.